Sunday, July 31, 2016

Completion & Sadness

Why the long quiet year?

Last year I written a few blog posts with the hopes of moving into a platform that would garner wider exposure. Through the creation of a new character, website, and social experiment, this did not reap solid benefits. Partly because of my own challenges unfolding in my life.

It was also a year of great turmoil and conflict. I was dealing with changes that did damage to my reputation. To be seen as someone different than my true character unnerved me, upset me, and ultimately paused creative output, except for a few tidbits of musings along the way.

Last year I vented. I unleashed. Everything that went against my character received a response. I was tired of watching something crash and burn. To be told that its my lack of 'fitting' in, or having to change my core values to 'fit' their system. These are the lies these people continue to tell me in order to make themselves look important, rather than be accepting. Because I am a heavy introvert, this caused so many problems with the extrovert dominated system, that this sabotaged my ability to continue working in a field I had built years of service into, only to see it wither, crash, and splinter into a most rankly horrid carcass.

The causality was my first passion: creativity. This has been my muse, and a albatross that hangs me in obscurity. Being a brand, marketing, focusing on a core message that resonates is something I don't have a problem doing, but I also lack the formidable exposure that dooms my many enterprises: solid and consistent networking. Being a grunt for someone else does not appeal to me, yet that was harpooned due to circumstances of residence, and other factors I had no control over.

Anything I've felt needed to be written about, was approached by my writ, accompanied by perception, honesty, and value. Sometimes not always sharing the same vision around me, nevertheless I am proud of writing, sharing while also lamenting along the way.

Last year I was in reflective mode, questioning why bother doing anything. Slipping into another depression state, nothing I could do worked. Whether it was personal or professional the people I thought were my most trusted circle ended up deserting me. It was to put it plainly a year where what I thought was important didn't work, and what I wanted was not shared. Me versus the collective, two very different aspects that frustrated and still linger today.

Professional colleagues I admired and trusted bailed, a company I worked for dismissed me, mental health, and all that comes with it collapsed. Throughout all of the upheaval my psyche tried to hold onto to any semblance of balance. It was put bluntly a year of watching others be socially awkward around me, professionally disjointed, and colleague usurped events I had no control over.

This does many things to a persons psyche, this hemorrhaged an already brittle professional allegiances, this also reintroduced depression on a scale never experienced before. I still haven't recovered from what I lost in 2015, as it took something I hold very true to my core being: and that was drive, trust, and persistence.

I will continue to live with the merits of honor, integrity, and being genuine. Everything I worked towards from 2008-2012 still means more to me, than these last four years of agonizingly brutal and disruptive changes that have gone on around me.

The biggest misconception about my character is fitting in. I can do this well enough, but I agonize about merits and feeling like what I am doing means something. If anything I've hit a wall, and I am stuck without a way to figure it out, or maneuver through the minutia.

So, I went through self-imposed isolation, making notes along the way. The very notion of being yourself in a extroverted dominated society, plays havoc on reciprocity, as it impregnates this systemic callousness, brought out by inharmonious allegiances. I make no apology to this fact, I will not bow before anyone or anything. Speak to me, not at me, I don't listen to bullies.

Another concern is a lack of connection, with the exponential rise of smartphone usage, the impersonal revolution i.e. email/texting is defacto standard. The message and point is always elusive, making it very difficult to maneuver at this stage of my limited rebirth of a career.

I'm not asking for a pity party, I really don't care what happens now. The fact I did what I could on my own terms, the result left me little bitter. I don't care anymore. Whatever was, is now a wasteland of imperfection and diode sized apathetic nuisance created by yes-men assholes who bully, dominate, and strangle introverts with ironclad indifference. There is no way to bargain with this. There will be no way to win in this arena.

Ultimately, I have to decide if trying to find a way to live with my obvious limitations, plus having a social stigma follow me is worth the hassle, aggravation, because what it has done to me is made me look at how utterly broken, and corrupted the system is. Because as I've learned having a disability doesn't give me any leeway to function as a normal productive citizen,

Thanks for reading.


Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Suicidal Tendencies - An Evolution

Suicidal Tendencies - An Evolution

My introduction with Suicidal Tendencies began in the early 90s. I was partially aware of some of the skate and punk movements, but I wasn't as interested as most of my peers. I remember the ethos of style, attitude, and locality. Many of the skate bands came from the Southern California coastal areas, which shaped a lot of the underground scene (at that time).

A lot of the attitude relied on surf culture, but also a urban aspect that carried over to the suburban lifestyle. This is my understanding of the birth of that style.I feel its been young persons interest, as I haven't kept up as youthful angst doesn't fit a forty year old mindset.

Of the entire Suicidal Tendencies era, I lean more toward the self titled record. Following all the way through until their last with the major label Epic records: Suicidal For Life in 1994. What the group produced in the later half of the 90's I was aware of, some of it was okay, I didn't connect with any of it.

The first S.T. record I could relate because of the angst, hormones, and frustrations with finding an identity in a world with so many contradictions. This splintered outwards at my awkwardness, and those songs in that world to me felt more allegorical, and spoke more closely to my predilections.

Each record up til Suicidal For Life had a kind of evolution. I postulate that they moved from a garage Do It Yourself (DIY) hardcore/crossover mechanic (indie), eventually morphing and settling into an extremely well polished and heavily produced studio machine.

I got the brief opportunity to seeing Suicidal Tendencies play during their The Art of Rebellion jaunt with Megadeth with the Headbangers Ball tour in 1992. A critical issue/fault I had was frontman Mike Muir was barely audible, and in a live setting tended to be drowned out by the overpowered amps, drums, and bass.

Plus Mike's definitely can be a bit redundant with bravado, as he preached at that time (i.e. material off of Controlled By Hatred, Lights, Camera, Revolution, and The Art of Rebellion). The musicianship was always the focal point, and I couldn't fault their performance based on Mike's hard to decipher vocals.

The band could play their asses off, yet I think they were a studio band and I may have been a tad too late to their brand (shtick). I think if I had lived in the Venice Beach area and seen this band starting out, it wouldn't have felt like a strange experience.

Studious pieces of this band I liked were the guitar tones of Mike Clark, and Rocky George. bassists Louiche Mayorga, and Robert Trujillo. These gents stood out to me as they really gave their style and sound around the ethos of the band.

Many drummers have come and gone, but I can distinctly tell which record is from which era. The production is very much in line with the times it was created (80's raw, higher treble mixed, early 90's more bass driven, drum snare pops).

One guitarist that I think stood out for them was Rocky George. His time with Suicidal Tendencies brought soul to the wild noodle fest that permeated so much of the crossover style. His work with Join The Army and until Suicidal For Life have tone that punch which stands out.

Rocky's style (I believe) has this tendency of elongating notes and feeling out the performance which stood out to me, I still feel he accentuates Mike Clark's playing, and they feed off each other with a push pull component, kind of like a mechanical gear. After 1994's Suicidal For Life he dropped off the face of the Earth for awhile. It wasn't until the late 2000's I found out he was in Fishbone, and to me that is super cool. I will also say he is a hard gentleman to talk to.

Their older material levied an informative component to it. Though Suicidal Tendencies are still around, being on either a fourth or fifth incarnation, and with a different line ups, they still pack them in outside of the U.S.

The way we look at bands and how they evolve is a testament in how we ourselves develop over the duration of those careers. Because I can be a brutally honest with assessing the overall complexion, this band was another solid beacon for me in troubled times.

Though time and distance have elongated from when they were fresh, and distinctly off center. With Mike's blatant street macho aspect, they were something to take notice in a field of flooded sameness. It was nice to marvel in they're individualism, but that comparison I think ends where the words are concerned. I feel much different about their message now, in that there are gems sprinkled about, but by no means is their work perfect.

Reflective at looking at this band, what it represented is that still underground exposure, as validates what I was thinking about a lot at that time. It has bludgeoned me with a sense of loss, as the passage of time has hit, the realities of capturing lighting in a bottle. These seemed to have a direct effect on my outlook on the band. Thanks for reading.

Up next Infectious Grooves.


Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Evaluation & Reflection (Wayne's Gone)

I do not like writing these posts because they suck.

Yet again, I am faced with a very real situation with death, and this time it comes from a distance.

In these last few years I've lost two people close to me, one indirectly, and one very close.

When it is family you can never prepare for this eventuality.

Even when it is with tertiary things (mostly with distant entertainment) that leaves a residual scar as the things that pass time effortlessly along and to have a dependency on their creativity to help our journey are now gone.

I've never liked having to pay tributes to people, because I believe life is tribute to the fact we are still here, kicking ass, doing our thing.

But here I feel so heartbroken, in essence I had to step back for a bit to catch my thoughts.

Death in any form is a process of life.

This is the just way it goes when we are living, its that eventuality that we keep that at bay while trying out new avenues, new adventures, new friendships, starting families, and other distractions to keep this reality at bay.

I've had this truth imbued in me since I was a young lad.

I think we try to forget about this finality and hope that everything will work out.

Sometimes that doesn't always happen.

Instead we all cope with the loss, some more dramatic, others very subtlety.

Nothing surprises me much anymore, but when something this pronounce happens, everyone stops and reflects on their journey with how one person or persons changed their course in life whether good or bad.

Outcomes are fluid, but nevertheless we all strive to achieve what we think is the best outcome to our journey. 

Like my Dave Brockie post, Wayne Static is another piece of my growth who is now gone, all to soon.

I am beside myself at this point.

The very things that helped me, are going away, and there is nothing I can do to reverse the course.

Music is my life.

In every capacity.

It has helped me with my diagnosis.

In very strange way music became my surrogate family when my own family chose the path they went on.

I went in a different direction absorbing everything the world could throw at me.

Along the way there have been bumps and bruises.

Yet I've always lived an honest life.

It maybe time to evaluate what music means again, but this time to be impartial, and to dissect the nuances of intent, because I am seeing more and more of this as I've grown older in my observations.

From now on I chose to impart my life's story to people.

That every step we take inches us closer to the final frontier.

It is here that I say thanks to those who've traversed this blog.

Though nameless, at least some of you thought what I do means something.

Lets celebrate the life we live.

No more living under fear.

Don't keep it inside.

Say what you mean, mean what you say, but do not be mean. Thanks for reading.


Sunday, November 2, 2014

Technology Tribulations (Introduction To Servers)

Note I'm still learning the the arena of servers, and network administration so take this into consideration whilst I write my experiences here.

Since I've been in the enterprise world I've only had the opportunity recently to delve into servers. At first I felt intimidated, and a tad overwhelmed.

Most of what I learned about AD(Active Directory), Domain Controllers with my nascent but brief touch of Server (2003), and being thrown into the lava pit with Server 2008 is how they function with the network. My initial time with a unnamed company didn't have the right recourse to setup the proper server, so I was tasked with modifying the server to fit a much more secure format.

Each of these systems (at first) seemed pretty straightforward. Only if you understand how Tree's and Forests work. Since my time with Linux definitely prepared me, yet I'm still learning the ins and outs, but there are lots of little things to consider with servers.

What can a server do? Why are there so many variations of servers out there? First question tends to be the most obvious in that servers do a lot of little things behind the scenes, pretty much servers are the network backbone of the entire internet (if we want to use that term). The second question is more specific about flavor, what a server is typically used for. There again is the networking component, you could use it as a file server, you can setup a domain controller, you could use it as developer box, there are many considerations to think about with what a server can do for business and an average home user.

I have learned servers are a central point for application use, networking, (some) endpoint protection, development, virtualization, cloud hosting, heck this list can continue on and on.

The other aspect of servers is the robustness, yet there are rules in which to understand the functioning aspect of a server. One doesn't need to figure out that a single mistake can totally botch an entire setup, and/or network connection. (I have done this by accident) All it takes is that proverbial oops, and that is the last thing one wants to hear if your a systems admin.

In the last year I've had some time to acclimate (as it were) to Server 2012. I've been working through two pieces, the Domain Controller (AD, and Powershell). Two specific things that I think make what an IT person does more efficient at management.

I must stress that Server 2012 is different. It is a paradigm shift. Going away from the typical point and click GUI of prior versions, there is this extra step that can overwhelm.

It is powerful, there really neat things with virtualization aspect, I didn't get into the Azure yet, cloud service, and program development, but for what I want it is only ever going to be a basic box with admin rights (more or less).

Making the seamless transition to automation makes sense especially if there are a lot of networked computers, but...they have to share a common connection for automation, Windows 8 Pro or Enterprise, and I learned later that through Windows there is an option for access granting without the need to be connected to a domain per say.

Microsoft is in the business of software as a service at this point, so having a understanding of Exchange aspect helps, I'm also learning this too, which at on first experience was completely confusing.

So I decided to jump in on the server thing, and tried out a couple options. CentOS, Debian, and Windows Server 2012. Having something I can build my own cloud/storage/DLNA box makes more sense as the climate of pay as you go doesn't appeal to me.Yes there is the big cost, upgrades and whatnot but, I like the control I have with information I own.

I think more people should consider this as the option to not give various cloud streaming cartels any continued support. Only real concern I have is ISP monopoly. That will change (I hope) as I'm looking forward to fiber. I desperately want it but it is hard to get here in the area.

As I delve further into the server field I'll write my experiences here. Thanks for reading.


Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Dream Theater - Falling Into Infinity (90's Era)

By the m 90's a lot of what I was familiarized with had changed considerably from what was.

Electing to find the most extreme thing out there (at that time was difficult), I had to settle on what was available.

I had picked up Awake many years prior, and though there was some curiousness to the material I had this extreme snobbish view with accepting it.

My thought process at that time were these songs were too long, or there was so much tempo wankery with exposition that I was turned off by it.

Three years later I come back to Dream Theater and while I was thinking this was going to be a similar experience, it was not even close.

There is a different vibe with Falling Into Infinity. Yes there is the blatant overdose of wankery happening, but there is a very clear cut classic rock vibe oozing forth.

I distinctly remember thinking after listening to this record that there was a profound look at our lives, the politics of age, alliance, starting families, friendships, circumstances changing etc.

One music guest that stood out was Dug Pinnick and this peaked my curiosity. I had also read there was a collaboration with Napalm Death with a reworked version Metallica's The Thing That Should Not Be also peaked my interest.

Though Infinity does stay comfortably in trying to be popular, there wasn't the wide acceptance. This record was a one off experiment and the band would return to they're signature sound on Scenes from a Memory.

You Not Me, New Milenium, Lines in the Sand, and Trial Of Tears evoke something deeply reflective. The shrift of feeling is modulated with Derrick Sherininan's keyboard touch. I prefer this record over many of the newer ones because of the wink and nod to the classic rock foundation of old long play LP's.

I do think the album kind of overstays it's welcome, as I think they tried to keep pushing on the progressive mantel. This record came out during another sizable shift in what was popular. Alternative was in it's full swing, pushing a lot of metal, and this material outside of that circle.

It's an adaquate record I come back to, not that frequent in my rotation of things to listen to, but I am aware of its existence. Thanks for reading.


Sunday, September 14, 2014

Technology Tribulations: Home Server/Streaming

As I've been accustomed to in the last while with all the smartphone proliferation, young people prefer to stream content rather than have a dedicated device which stores for quick retrieval.

Since the value of entertainment by all accounts has plummeted in cost, as return on investment has become a lose lose scenario, most of the cartels (RIAA, MPAA, and other governing bodies) have seen fit to institute a highway robbery scheme to force everyone to pay to play.

Since I refuse to play into those rules, I decided to build my own specific system, and to build on streaming artists I enjoy. This made more sense to tackle in this way than paying out the nose for it. A lot of the field now wants many users to pay into a cloud structure, a distant aspect, where I like and prefer the ability to control the content I own.

One weekend had me trying three avenues. First FreeNas, it's a nice little packaged OS that works on both a USB stick or on a physical disc (Compact or DVD). The downside is that FreeNas must never be installed on a physical hard drive. (Loses points right there).

Second was the installation of a trial evaluation of Server 2012, which at first has some interesting elements but I ran into the dreaded lack of network drivers. Somehow the OS itself had the network drivers completely negated, realizing this I wasn't going to sweat any of those details. I moved back to FreeNas.

A little bit about my first experiences with FreeNas, though there are some nice elements of the web GUI, the real fact here is that there is a lot digging, and planning that has to be done before using this in a full time aspect.

For many home users, this is a poorman's band aid server option for streaming and storing anything on old hardware. But for big time enterprise cost cutting companies the operational side of things this could be very useful for cost benefit if there is hardware that supports this design, I've been building two Tyan motherboards with a onboard USB connection I think will work perfectly with this.

Next up, the way the functioning is with FreeNas, built on top of the FreeBSD kernel, this wasn't entirely difficult, until I ran into something unforgivable. Router issues. The IP address scheme should pull all devices on the network (in theory), but with this install, which happened three times, each with different results. Default password issues, network scheme problems, and finally assigning the right server address bugged out the network, which resulted in a hard reboot.

Perhaps it is my overzealous approach which brings up the question, if these software OS's kits are supposed to work right out of the box, why am I getting weird shit? I was in mad scramble trying to trace back strange behavior, software glitch issues with the home network, all with odd results that shouldn't happen.

I went back to the drawing board for a optimal aspect for home streaming to attached devices. In my third attempt I tried the CentOS option, but I am not holding out any hope here as open source of late has been a tad unreliable, and seriously buggy with zero day patch updates, hence the often retorted comment: perma-stage alpha tester.

CentOS was a complete waste. Two versions, one a 6.4 Release and the brand new 7.0 didn't end well. 6.4 I almost had installed until the kernel decided to do a 360 and wouldn't boot after installing a kdump partition for errors. Anything with Linux is notorious error's but nonetheless I trudged onwards. When 6.4 couldn't hang, I bounced to 7.0, and that was a complete fail. I didn't even get to the install section before problems occurred. So it was back to the drawing board.

After doing some research I proposed a hypothesis, and that only specific types of server OS'es could run on a small server without error. Unfortunately, I wasn't going to do anything with Ubuntu as my history with that distro was less than stellar, so it was decided to take another crack at the Windows server install. This time though I would take a different tact and figure out how to get it to work right. I end up trying Essentials, as its a no frills basic OS, with options for updatability if I so choose. Otherwise the process took less than a half hour. I was up and setting up the server.

My experience with this server will prove very useful for my future as I get acclimated to the next paradigm. As for Linux, as much I love it, I do not think it will ever have the dedicated desktop construction that other more prominent OS's have. It just does not work in the way it should, as people are constantly tweaking, revising, as there is this aura of a ever present alpha stage to a lot of it.

I cut my teeth on the Debian fork, not as prevalent now but going from that to Cygwin for minor programing aspects makes more sense at this stage. I am just tired of the bashing on all sides, if you like something then stick with what works, yes its true I was one of those haters, but now I see the other side, I see how each one can benefit. Its just a matter of personal taste.

Thanks for reading.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Living Colour - Stain (90's Era)

Living Colour - Stain  03/15/1993 Epic Records

Punishing. Deep. Angrier. Disgusted. Sorrowful. Lonely. I fervently believe these words describe Living Colour's third outing Stain.

My first inclinations after first listen: uncomfortable, confrontational, and claustrophobic.

Newcomer Doug Wimbush (new bass player) takes over where Muzz once held the position, and he adds a new layering to this record, whereas the punch is quick and unabated.

The poetry sung by Corey is covered in a visceral palate of perpetual disgust, distrust, and disassociation. There is no fitting into a corruptible industry which is hell bent on further exploitation.

Stain is painful. Stain is ugly. The cover I think represents a very stark contrast of social acceptance. I believe this record was a venting of frustration, and it is one I come back to quite a bit. Thanks for reading.