Sunday, July 31, 2016

Completion & Sadness

Why the long quiet year?

Last year I written a few blog posts with the hopes of moving into a platform that would garner wider exposure. Through the creation of a new character, website, and social experiment, this did not reap solid benefits. Partly because of my own challenges unfolding in my life.

It was also a year of great turmoil and conflict. I was dealing with changes that did damage to my reputation. To be seen as someone different than my true character unnerved me, upset me, and ultimately paused creative output, except for a few tidbits of musings along the way.

Last year I vented. I unleashed. Everything that went against my character received a response. I was tired of watching something crash and burn. To be told that its my lack of 'fitting' in, or having to change my core values to 'fit' their system. These are the lies these people continue to tell me in order to make themselves look important, rather than be accepting. Because I am a heavy introvert, this caused so many problems with the extrovert dominated system, that this sabotaged my ability to continue working in a field I had built years of service into, only to see it wither, crash, and splinter into a most rankly horrid carcass.

The causality was my first passion: creativity. This has been my muse, and a albatross that hangs me in obscurity. Being a brand, marketing, focusing on a core message that resonates is something I don't have a problem doing, but I also lack the formidable exposure that dooms my many enterprises: solid and consistent networking. Being a grunt for someone else does not appeal to me, yet that was harpooned due to circumstances of residence, and other factors I had no control over.

Anything I've felt needed to be written about, was approached by my writ, accompanied by perception, honesty, and value. Sometimes not always sharing the same vision around me, nevertheless I am proud of writing, sharing while also lamenting along the way.

Last year I was in reflective mode, questioning why bother doing anything. Slipping into another depression state, nothing I could do worked. Whether it was personal or professional the people I thought were my most trusted circle ended up deserting me. It was to put it plainly a year where what I thought was important didn't work, and what I wanted was not shared. Me versus the collective, two very different aspects that frustrated and still linger today.

Professional colleagues I admired and trusted bailed, a company I worked for dismissed me, mental health, and all that comes with it collapsed. Throughout all of the upheaval my psyche tried to hold onto to any semblance of balance. It was put bluntly a year of watching others be socially awkward around me, professionally disjointed, and colleague usurped events I had no control over.

This does many things to a persons psyche, this hemorrhaged an already brittle professional allegiances, this also reintroduced depression on a scale never experienced before. I still haven't recovered from what I lost in 2015, as it took something I hold very true to my core being: and that was drive, trust, and persistence.

I will continue to live with the merits of honor, integrity, and being genuine. Everything I worked towards from 2008-2012 still means more to me, than these last four years of agonizingly brutal and disruptive changes that have gone on around me.

The biggest misconception about my character is fitting in. I can do this well enough, but I agonize about merits and feeling like what I am doing means something. If anything I've hit a wall, and I am stuck without a way to figure it out, or maneuver through the minutia.

So, I went through self-imposed isolation, making notes along the way. The very notion of being yourself in a extroverted dominated society, plays havoc on reciprocity, as it impregnates this systemic callousness, brought out by inharmonious allegiances. I make no apology to this fact, I will not bow before anyone or anything. Speak to me, not at me, I don't listen to bullies.

Another concern is a lack of connection, with the exponential rise of smartphone usage, the impersonal revolution i.e. email/texting is defacto standard. The message and point is always elusive, making it very difficult to maneuver at this stage of my limited rebirth of a career.

I'm not asking for a pity party, I really don't care what happens now. The fact I did what I could on my own terms, the result left me little bitter. I don't care anymore. Whatever was, is now a wasteland of imperfection and diode sized apathetic nuisance created by yes-men assholes who bully, dominate, and strangle introverts with ironclad indifference. There is no way to bargain with this. There will be no way to win in this arena.

Ultimately, I have to decide if trying to find a way to live with my obvious limitations, plus having a social stigma follow me is worth the hassle, aggravation, because what it has done to me is made me look at how utterly broken, and corrupted the system is. Because as I've learned having a disability doesn't give me any leeway to function as a normal productive citizen,

Thanks for reading.

B